There are many Senators who lost out to upstarts back in the 2015 elections. Since then, they have been sitting down at home scratching various parts of their body wondering what hit them and what to do next.
And the ugly part is once they open their mouths to comment about national issues, they are wickedly tagged ‘wailing wailers.’
The only redemption for them is to get back to the National Assembly as Senators before people begin to take them seriously again. If you are in this group, courtesy of Nigeria News, this is a free, tried and tested, full-proof method of how to become a Senator in Nigeria again.
First of all, you have to get yourself trending in the news. Fortunately you have amassed enough wealth in your last stint in the National Assembly; so this step and others shouldn’t pose any problem.
Start by buying cars. Not just any cars oo. They have to be what Nigerians call ‘exotic cars.’ Fortunately, our borders are porous enough so you can meet all those online importers to help you get about four relatively cheap ones. You don’t want to get bankrupt before you even started.
Going through them would also ensure you don’t pay all those high customs duties only stupid people pay. You are not stupid, even though you lost an election to an upstart 3 years ago.
I would have advised you to import them through the ports. That is more secured. But the way this current Customs Boss, Hameed Ali, is behaving, greasing a few palms isn’t a guarantee you would get your cars.
Seriously, don’t try it because that Ali man must have some loose nuts upstairs. He doesn’t behave like his predecessors. Imagine, he doesn’t even wear the uniform to work! Is that a normal custom officer?
So by the grace of God, you now have the cars parked in a neat row in your expansive compound. Make sure the compound has red and white interlocking tiles. Let people know that you are doing okay even if you are not in power anymore.
If your compound is devoid of interlocking tiles, use a sympathetic friend’s compound. Little details like this can derail your plan. Believe me, red and white interlocking tiles is the mark of an oga at the top in Nigeria.
Ask your gateman to take a few snapshots of you standing in front of the cars. Make sure your face is a bit oily. That shows you are eating well. The little details matter.
Another important detail is your slippers. Don’t make the mistake of putting on a pair of shoes that can be identified by the design. Even if it is the real deal, some busy-body somewhere would say they saw your houseboy buying it in that second-hand market near your house.
The conclusions would be that you sent him to buy it for you because you are too stingy to get the original ones. They would say it’s people like you that are making clothes expensive in Okrika market. That would really spoil market for you. Nobody wants to elect a stingy man who wears secondhand shoes.
This kind of negligence has a ripple effect you know. Before you know, somebody would look closely at your almost perfect Van Dyke beard and mustache and declare them fake. You see, the trick is in the details.
Next, send the pictures to one or two popular blogs. Don’t worry, you don’t have to pay for them. These pictures are known as exclusive photos. Before you know it, all other blogs are trending with the photos with catchy headlines.
When you are stepping out for an occasion, do the same. Snap and send.
Photos alone would not boost your ratings or keep you on the front page all the time. So you need to take it up a notch.
It is assumed you are married to an understanding beautiful lady. Good. Manufacture a problem that would give you a reason to beat her up thoroughly. Make sure there is evidence of the beating on her face.
Again, organize with a broke blogger to be close by to take pictures and run it on his/her blog. That is another exclusive story that would instantly get the blogger lots of traffic and money. You see, even before getting back to the Senate, you have already empowered one person.
That story would be on the front page of all news outlets for a long time. Even some TV stations would report it. If your wife is a sensible woman, she would cry her heart out to the public at the injustice of it all. That would give you an opportunity for a public rebuttal.
Spin a believable story how she has frustrated all your attempts to be a God-fearing Nigerian. Tell Nigerians how she doesn’t want you to help ordinary Nigerians because she wants to be in Dubai every weekend for shopping. Tell them all the scholarships schemes you had in the pipeline failed because she used the money.
You don’t have to tell them why you had to beat her. In Nigeria, it is the right of a husband to take out his frustrations on his wife.
Though it is assault, the police would not touch you. It is a domestic affair. And you have just proven that you are not a woman wrapper like all those men who pretend that they support feminists. Who feminism help?
Use back channels to prod your wife to demand a reconciliation. Graciously agree to it and make sure your favorite blogger reports how you have forgiven your wife. That would keep you in the news for some time too.
At this point, it is news even if all you do is sneeze. Can’t you see how one FFK is always in the news even if all he does is swear or claims he loves women from a particular tribe? Unfortunately, he is not smart enough to cash in on his notoriety for political gain. But you are different.
Next, make sure you join all those broke Civil Society groups marching or protesting against government impunity. This is a perfect time.
The current hot potato is Fulani herdsmen. If no group is smart enough to organize a protest, pay some of them to do it. They call it a donation. Well, donate money so they can march to Aso Rock to protest against all those poor people murdered by killer herdsmen.
Make sure you are at the front. Call your blogger to take pictures. It would even be nice if the police do what they are known for: that is, throw a few teargas canisters to disperse the crowd. Tear your protest T-shirt yourself and take a photo of yourself running away wearing it.
Tell the blogger to report that it was the police that brutalized you as you were peacefully exercising your constitutional right to protest freely. This news would ‘over-trend.‘ You are now a man of the people. A justice advocate. A freedom fighter.
Don’t worry, with the way the current administration is carrying on, there would be many opportunities to march/protest and be brutalized by the police. Don’t miss any opportunity to be in the news via anti-government protests.
Behind the scenes though, you have to lick the butts of the right political godfathers. Let them know you would always remain loyal. They like desperate opportunists like who are not afraid to get dirty.
Do all these, when election times comes, you would find yourself the candidate to beat. But don’t join a minor party oo. Join a major opposition party in your state if the ruling party in your state decides to block your path to the top.
Don’t worry, they would regret not putting you up as their candidate after you have trounced their candidate in the election.
Finally, don’t forget to do Thanksgiving in church after the godfathers have helped you to win by rigging the elections.