Dear President Buhari,
How is your beautiful family and madam? Give my regards to them and may the good Lord continue to guide and protect them.
Let me go straight to this matter of urgent national importance. And, as you’d see in a moment, this urgent matter is not like the sort some senator would take before the National Assembly if one of them is about to be arrested for committing one crime or the other.
There is a conspiracy against you by foreign governments.
Like all conspiracies, it all started like a rumor. Stories started flying around about how some unnamed governments are putting pressure on you to reconsider your decision to run for a second term on account of your health status.
At first, we felt the stories were sponsored by one of those PDP presidential candidates from the north who know they have zero chance of defeating you in northern Nigeria.
But recent events have revealed a worrying pattern.
First of all, it started with the visit of the French President, Emmanuel Macron. That innocent-faced young man was here on a mission to do something terrible to you.
Fortunately, he got carried away with one of Nigerians best gifts to the world, afro juju music; he spent most of his time in Nigeria smoking weed and dancing to Fela’s songs.
He missed an important window to execute his mission and went back to Europe a joke.
That is why they have now decided to send the big guns: Theresa May of Great Britain and Angela Merkel of Germany. They have decided that this task cannot be enthroned in the hands of kids like Macron.
Whatever you do, do not drink tea or coffee while these women are with you.
Clearly, the political masterstroke you pulled by declaring June 12 our new Democracy Day reminded them of a way to solve a problem without too much fuss.
Recall that it was a similar scenario after Abacha died in 1998. They begged Abiola to renounce his mandate and participate in new elections. MKO refused.
After Abiola refused promises of contracts and riches beyond his dreams, they decided to quietly solve the problem. They sent an innocent emissary to have a meeting with him. He drank tea and died. Problem solved.
This bears repeating: don’t drink tea even after they have left. You don’t know who or what is compromised in the whole tea/coffee system from the farms right up to your kitchen. These people would go to any length to get their way.
Talking about the lengths they would go. Suspend any visit, whether official or just a ‘medical vacation’, to these countries. They might decide to instigate a natural disaster like an earthquake or raging fires close to your regular abode in London. They are devious like that.
Forget those who would claim you stopped going because they said your medical bills are enough to build a decent hospital in Nigeria. They have nothing to offer the nation except the noise they make.
Besides, it is not as if you are sick. Didn’t you trek for almost 1km last week? Which other president had ever done that? We even heard one president bought a golf cart to navigate the corridors of Aso Rock.
You have shown them with that stroll under the hot Daura sun that failing health is the last thing on your mind.
That said, the traducers from the West are determined to use your health to remove you from the 2019 political equation.
The recent leaked story by Donald Trump that you are the most lifeless person he had ever held a meeting with should be accessed in the light of this grand conspiracy.
You know that man is the best spin master in the whole world. Look at how he deceived Americans into believing that inappropriate relationship with women and masochism are important qualities to have if you want to be the President of the greatest country in the world. Mtcheew!
Anyway, let’s not get sidetracked from what is germane here. It is not our fault that America decided to elect a fraudster to lead them.
Ask yourself this question if you are in doubt: can you pinpoint any time in the history of democratic Nigeria that the leaders of Europe’s top superpowers decided to visit Nigeria a few months to an elections everybody with sense know you’d win?
Is that the light bulb moment for you? I can imagine you nodding your head.
I’m just doing my patriotic duty, your Excellency. Ask Governor Ambode about me if you are in doubt. The advice I gave him freely helped resolve two problems that threatened to destroy his legacy.
I should stop here. Saying more would be to neglect the important fact that you are intelligent enough to grasp the heart of an issue wothout the need to create a useless committee like some people.
I trust you to come out of this stronger, better and wiser.
Your faithful and concerned citizen,